Confronting the Four-Headed Monster!

I’m working on the 10 Pillars of building my business today. In reviewing my history about my life that I wrote out I came across a valuable lesson about my self concept and jealousy. I’m sharing it with you for several reasons. I think many of us may have experienced something like this in our lives and some may still be experiencing it at some level. I hope not, but if they are I would like them to know what jealousy stems from. Also, it is an exercise in my being seen, telling the truth about my past and forgiving. Although I don’t experience being jealous of anyone in present time, jealousy hugely overpowered me at one time in my life. It was like an uncontrollable four-headed monster that I had no say about. It was harmful to me and harmful to others.

As many of you who’ve read my blogs know I had a pretty traumatic childhood and it carried through into my teens. My self concept was very negative. I was programmed that I was nothing, I didn’t matter, I wasn’t pretty, wasn’t anything of value. I was one of eight mouths to feed, that’s about it (back then). Now, I’m not telling you this to feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this to understand where jealousy stems from. We are jealous of others when we feel we are less than inside ourselves. When we compare ourselves to others they will always come out ahead of who we are in every category. Make sense? Also, there are certainly different levels of any emotion or condition. The level of worthlessness that I experienced was so enormous and mammoth that the level of jealousy I experienced was overwhelming! I was literally enraged with it, like a cancer.

Here’s my story.

When I was in my early teens, maybe around 13 I went to the local park with two of my sisters. There we ran into a girl I knew in school who was with some of her siblings. Her name is Kay. Kay was so beautiful. She had big brown eyes, incredible wavy black long hair and milky skin. She had a voluptuous figure too. But instead of admiring her beauty it outraged me, because I felt like I was nothing! How I perceived myself led to how I behaved. I had to lash out at and hurt the thing that confronted me with the feeling of being less than.

I picked a fight with Kay. All I remember is lashing out at her, using my fingernails to scratch her face pretty badly. This is the level of pain and self hate that I felt within, that I would do such a thing!

Well, when I got home from the park I was in pretty big trouble! Kay’s mom had called mine and told her what I’d done. My mother was so furious with me! I got a pretty good beating and my nails got cut down to the quick until they bled! So, just imagine how much less I felt now, not to mention how I made a beautiful soul feel about herself!

I came to California March 1, 1975 and that is when I was fortunate enough to start my process of transformation, learning about past conditioning, behavior and how to love myself and others. Needless to say I’ve changed who I am and my life dramatically since I was 13. I tried to find out how to get hold of Kay for many, many years so I could apologise to her. I’d forgiven myself but I never forgot about asking for her forgiveness. Just last year I finally found how to contact her by email. I sent her a message explaining who I was and how sorry I was. I shared a little about what my life is about now. It felt so good to finally be able to tell her I was sorry. You know, I sent two messages to Kay and I’ve never heard back from her. It concerned me that maybe I traumatized her so much that she couldn’t talk to me. I hope not.

I’m grateful that I’ve healed and forgiven this in my life. I pray that Kay is okay. She knows my email address and I’d love it if someday she wanted to contact me, I’d love to tell her face to face how beautiful she is!

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